by Laurie Sheck
1.
In her 1925 essay, On Being Ill, written when she was 42 years old, Virginia Woolf speaks of the spiritual change that illness often brings, how it can lead one into areas of extremity, wonder, isolation. “How astonishing, when the lights of health go down, the undisclosed countries that are then disclosed, what wastes and deserts of the soul….”
The body is no longer a site of comfort and familiarity but “this monster…this miracle.” Overwhelming, weird, intense, mysterious. And with this sense of estrangement from one’s familiar, healthy self, there often comes a profound isolation that colors the whole world, “Human beings do not go hand in hand the whole stretch of the way. There is a virgin forest in each; a snowfield where even the print of birds’ feet is unknown.” It is a stark and desolate image. A cold whiteness without the barest trace of interruption. It is a world stripped to its core.
In illness “we cease to be soldiers in the army of the upright; we become deserters.”
Daily life becomes a strange, exotic place. Longed for, various, remote. The unreachable land of ordinary habits, activities, frustrations, pleasures.
2.
Particularly since the pandemic, I have thought often of Woolf’s essay, and of Elaine Scarry’s seminal work, The Body in Pain, where she writes of the way “physical pain has no voice.” “Whatever pain achieves, it achieves in part through its unsharability.” This opacity to others outside oneself is a significant part of its cruelty. This applies, too, to the often relative invisibility of certain maladies, like Long Covid. And in that gulf between appearance and reality, between the self and others, a terrible knowledge arises. “One aspect of great pain…is that it is to the individual experiencing it overwhelmingly present, more emphatically real than any other human experience, and yet is almost invisible to anyone else, unfelt, unknown.” What Scarry writes about pain can also apply to many other aspects of bodily unwellness.
She compares the experience to a human being “making a sound that cannot be heard.” Read more »