Why Donald Trump Might be a Vampire

by Akim Reinhardt What do we know about vampires? They are selfish to a degree that is sociopathic They are consumed by vanity They roar against anyone who contradicts them Their skin is oddly discolored They demand sycophantic followers All they care about is fucking, feeding, and being complimented They are capable of hypnotizing people…

Once More Around the Sun, then Home

by Akim Reinhardt We’re circling the Sun at a rate of between 18.20–18.83 miles per second. It is not a fixed speed because Earth travels on an ellipsis, and moves a hair faster when it’s closer to the Sun than it does when further away. It averages out to about 67,000 miles per hour over…

Headline

by Akim Reinhardt The Lede: Wombats ate five children at a drive thru restaurant in Omegosh, Texas last week. The Body: A wisdom of wombats, on the run from massive fires in their Australian homelands, surrounded five children at a Checkers drive thru and lectured them on the disproportionate impact of the U.S. carbon footprint,…

Satire in the Age of Outrage

by Akim Reinhardt Satire seems all but dead for now. Maybe it’s because the world became increasingly ludicrous, culminating with a real-life president as ridiculous as any satire Jonathan Swift or Dorothy Parker could dream up. Donald Trump’s bizarre presidency may have been the peak of absurdity (fingers crossed), but it had been building for…

30 Times

by Akim Reinhardt I can’t sing. Or so I always thought. A notorious karaoke warbler, I would sometimes pick a country tune, preferably Hank Williams, so that when my voice cracked, I could pretend I was yodeling. Then one night, I stepped up to the bar’s microphone and sang a Gordon Lightfoot song. I wasn’t…

Twenty Years Later

by Akim Reinhardt Last week marked the 20th anniversary to the start of America’s recently concluded second Gulf War. It’s also been nearly 33 years since the much shorter first Gulf War, a.k.a. Desert Storm (1990–91). Unlike the “great” wars, these haven’t merited Roman numerals. My own Roman numerals now begin with an L. I…

Akim Reinhardt’s Plagiarized 3QD Essay

by Akim Reinhardt and GPTChatbot A couple months back, I wrote an open letter to fellow professors. Don’t panic, I said. Yes, new crops of student plagiarism bound are sprout in the fertile fields of free, online AI software. But it’ll be alright. Here’s how to adjust. Then it occurred to me: Why should students…

Plagiarism in the Era of AI

by Akim Reinhardt The ChatGPT Bot has changed everything! That’s the basic vibe I’m getting from frantic press reports, early return think pieces, and even public-facing academicians. Specifically, this new, free AI software, only a few weeks old and still improving, is already churning out high school-quality essays on just about any subject a teacher…

Queen Me

by Akim Reinhardt I have lived my entire life, all 54 years of it, in the United States. Not once have I ever met anyone who cares about the British monarchy. I mean really cares, beyond the fleeting and shallow passions of celebrity gossip, and even that has been rare. This is not to say…