by Lexi Lerner
“They all go the same way. Look up, then down and to the left,” the EMT said. “Always.”
Why?
“I don’t know,” he said. “Well – I think they know. When they look up, they’re just… waiting.”
And the next part – why to the left? Because of the heart?
“I don’t know. Maybe something with blood pressure differences. Maybe something else. I really don’t know.”
I’m not living, I’m just killing time.[1]
It’s absurdly easy to take this life for granted. It’s so easy that I want to, so badly, all the time. The pitfall was built into its coding. So was the challenge: if I let life matter more, I choke.
What’s the worth of sitting in the grass, watching geese, or perhaps fireflies, for days or decades on end? Is it worthy of a lifetime? Where were the geese in my college classrooms? Where were the fireflies at my jobs? What’s the role of ambition? Ambition to do what?
We sat on a bench in Soho, watching a pickup kickball game.
“Is this fragile?” I asked her.
She looked through the chain link fence. The rubber ball sailed across the field; all heads followed its enormous arc. Both teams cheered heartily.
“Yes,” she said.
“Is it sacred?” I asked.
The bruised shadows of trees, the emperor sun behind them, the pigeons.
“Yes,” she said.
On a sun-spotted afternoon in a forest, I asked my dad if he missed his dad, who passed a few years ago.
Sometimes, it doesn’t really feel like he’s gone. More like, I haven’t seen him in a while, and we haven’t spoken in a while, but he’s just a phone call away. I find myself thinking, where’s Pa? Where is he? Read more »