by Sarah Firisen
When I was in my early to mid twenties and starting out in my career, my grandmother repeatedly told me (and she meant it with love), that if I wasn’t careful, I’d quickly end up an old maid. The day she watched me marry a nice Jewish boy under a chuppah was truly one of the happiest days of her life. As far as she was concerned, nothing I’d achieved up to that point, undergraduate and graduate degrees, a pretty successful career for a 27 year old, nothing came close to matching the achievement of getting married. And it wasn’t just my grandmother; everything, everyone, all the messaging around me, confirmed that I had participated in an enviable, important rite of passage. Of course, when I got divorced 17 years late, I then participated in another increasingly common rite of passage.
Marrying for romantic love is a very recent human concept. Broadly speaking, in the western world at least, marriage 1.0 was about property, securing it, extending it, the inheritance of it. Marriage 2.0 became more about the sanctity of the family unit, elevating the notion of the perfect wife and mother, a Donna Reed like platonic ideal. With the sexual revolution and the rise of feminism, we moved to marriage 3.0, the marriage of equals: two working parents, paternity leave, fathers changing diapers, even stay-at-home days. How’s that working out for us? People are still marrying, according to the APA, “ In Western cultures, more than 90 percent of people marry by age 50.” However, it’s also the case that “about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.” Just anecdotally, I’m surprised it’s not even higher. I feel like I know fewer and fewer couples who are happy in their marriages and news about the most recent couple to split comes at a pretty fast clip. A good friend and I used to have this conversation all the time and she’d say “I really only know one couple who’ve been married for a while who I really think are genuinely happy together.” Well guess what, they’re now divorced as well.
And yet, despite the statistics, despite being surrounded by a deluge of examples of the failure of marriage as an institution, people keep doing it. Of course, the idea of “The Wedding”, the greatest day of your life, saying “Yes to the dress”, pledging to love honor and obey Mr Right till death do us part, the whole fantasy is constantly perpetuated in our culture (and not just by our Jewish grandmothers). And woman after woman, puts on a white dress and walks down that aisle complacent in the certain knowledge that HER marriage will be different. But it rarely is.


