by Akim “Scare Quotes Can Indicate Facetiousness” Reinhardt

Two spaces after a period, not one.  If a topic sentence leading to a paragraph can get a whole new line and an indentation, then other new sentences can get an extra space.  Don’t smush sentences together like puppies in a cardboard box at a WalMart parking lot.  Let them breathe.  Show them some affection.  Teach them to shit outside.

Never wear sneakers with a suit.  Whenever I see this combo on a man, I silently ask myself, “What exactly is the point of your existence?”  Not ours or mine, but yours, personally.  Why do you exist and what are you trying to accomplish other than signaling to the world that you’re the snazzy version of a dumb jock on a halftime highlight show?  You look like Forrest Gump.

Amid and among instead of amidst and amongst.  Amidst and amongst don’t make you sound smart or sophisticated; they make you sound like a boring side character in an unfunny Shakespearean comedy.  You’re a modern English speaker, stop trying to sound like you have an Elizabethan speech impediment: Amidst the thorny thistle there, and amongst stones stealthily stored.  There’s no shame in talking plainly whilst thou speaketh thy truth.

While sneakers are out, you may wear brown dress shoes with a gray suit.  Once upon a time, my dear friend Prachi excoriated me for that combination, insisting a gray suit calls for black shoes.  A couple of years later, I noticed her wearing brown dress shoes with a business suit, and eagerly called her on it.  She, perhaps not incorrectly, insisted that she looked good in the combo and I don’t.  Very well.  I will suffer so that the rest of you can be free. Read more »