by Azadeh Amirsadri
In my current line of work as a therapist, when I see teenagers, at first they usually present with generalized anxiety disorder, or depression, or both. Parents bring a child in to tell me about all the things not going well, from bad grades and a messy room, to general disrespect and rudeness. This is usually not cause for concern from my point of view and I usually tell them I am not a behaviorist, but can help them get closer to their child and see what else is going on. Most parents, but not all, want a change in their child’s behavior. “He doesn’t turn in his work in school, she eats in her room and leaves the dishes there, etc.” When I meet with parents, I do a general intake and get a picture of how this family functions and communicates with each member to get a better snapshot of what is going on. That is if the parents are open with me. Many times, I get one version of how the family functions and come to find out rather quickly that the narrative shared with me is not exactly how things are.
June (not her real name) is 16 and a half years old and a junior in high school. I have been seeing her on and off, since she was 14 years old, when her father and grandmother brought her in. She has been on ADHD medication since she was in elementary school and because of her moodiness, her grandmother and father were wondering about anti-depression medication. June had a psychiatrist who was seeing her every three months for medication consultation.
When I first met her father and grandmother, the mother and her son could not tolerate to be in the same room at the same time, and the tension between them was palpable. I thought what it must be like for June to live in a house with these two people who barely spoke or looked at each other. Two parental figures, separated in the same house yet tied together for life. I realized quickly that I had to speak to them separately to see what issues they were bringing in and what goals and results they were hoping for. Both said they wanted June to communicate more with them, spend less time in her room and participate in school, both academically and socially. Her grandmother spoke about June’s mother, in rather vague terms and said she didn’t have a relationship with her.
The father was very quiet, with deep-set eyes that looked at me and did not blink. I felt as his soul was asking if I could help his daughter. He looked defeated as he talked about how much he had loved his wife, their addiction to drugs, stints in rehab, and their joy the day their daughter was born. He couldn’t explain well what his daughter’s issues were, except for her being depressed at times, not doing well in school, having a messy room, and her mother taking him to court at least once a year for custody. His hands were rough from his job outdoors and he kept rubbing the ashy areas. When he wasn’t looking at me, he kept his eyes downcast and focused on his hands, as if he was seeing them for the first time and realized how weathered they were.
After I met with each one alone, the grandmother shared her feelings about leaving her family when her children were still young and saving herself from an abusive marriage. She moved far away from them and only saw the children during the summers. She said quietly that she had a lot of guilt and shame from that decision, and that she was still not close to her children who were still angry with her. Helping her granddaughter is her way of making up for not being around for her own kids. Her current husband, she said, is a great male role model for June even though she finds him annoying.
I still wasn’t sure what exactly the family was looking for, so I asked about their goals for therapy. Again, they said they wanted June to do well in school and to spend less time in her room alone, on her phone or sleeping. I told them I would be happy to meet with her and see if she knows why she is in therapy.
June has her father’s eyes and can’t look someone in the face for a long time. She speaks in incomplete sentences and stumbles on her words, as though they don’t fit in her mouth. Last year, June had her first serious relationship with a girl who is a year older. The girl broke up with her after almost a year of being together, which for this age group is like a decade, and June is doing some revenge dating to show her ex she is still desirable. With her hair in blue and purple streaks, she has been wearing more make up than usual. Since most schools don’t have a dress code since Covid, she wears either pajamas to school or on some days, a very low cut shirt with loose jeans, and I get to see her right after school is out, once a week.
She tells me everything is going well with her grandmother, who takes care of her when dad is away. Once in a while, June casually mentions her mom who lives in a nearby state and says she doesn’t mind visiting her every other weekend. They usually go to thrift stores or the mall, and get their nails done, but once home, she spends most of her time in her room, waiting to be driven back to her dad’s and grandmother’s house. As she got older and her social life picked up, she made excuses not to see her mom as much, lying to her and saying she has things to do.
I couldn’t understand June’s reluctance in seeing her mother. She said she has been living with her father since she was 3 years old and remembers seeing her mother during school breaks and summers. Her emotional attachment is to her father who as much as he tried, was rarely home in the evenings, due to the odd hours of his job.
Most of our sessions were about June’s friends and the drama of who is dating whom, who is cheating on their partner, shoplifting mostly candy at the mall, and how cool Lana Del Rey’s music is. I kept trying to get deeper with her, and she would either change the topic or deflect if I asked her a more direct question, especially about her mom. She responded with a lot of “I don’t remember” and then was quiet. I usually ask my clients if they want to continue after about three months of weekly sessions and how they would want to frequency to be. Each time, she said she wants to continue to come in, even though she was quiet most of the time and I learned to be with her in her quiet.
Last week, I got a call from the grandmother who was crying on the phone. She had gone to June’s room to see if she was doing her homework, and after she finally opened the door, June yelled at her to leave her alone, get out of my room, it’s my phone and you can’t take it away and the usual litany of predictable arguments. This time, June got physically violent and pushed her grandmother out of her way as she was running downstairs to get out of the house. The police was called, June was arrested, and released when her dad picked her up.
After this crisis, I met with her grandmother and father again. They are both in a much better place in their relationship and were able to let the other person speak, and tolerated any disagreement in a very kind and respectful way. I was asking what brought on this crisis and they both said they were not sure, it could have been asking for her phone, which usually triggers June. I kept asking for more information about June’s early years with her parents, right before their divorce. Dad opened up and said he was woking a lot and would come home and see June in her playpen with a dried up dirty diaper. He’d pick her up, clean her and feed her. Most of the time, there would be an argument between the couple and threats of leaving the marriage. Grandma shared that one time, she went for a visit and saw June on her mother’s lap as the mom was using drugs. After Child Protective Services got involved, June’s father got full custody of her and moved in with his mother and her husband who lived in another state.
Hearing this story made me realize how the holes in this teen’s life were created and explained her disconnect with her mother. June was removed from her mother and she did not see her for five years, while her mother was getting clean. What no one had ever talked about was how June just got unplugged from one life and went to live a different life, without any mentions of her mother. By the time she saw her again, she didn’t know this new woman and it seems neither one knew how to reconnect.
As hard as this crisis has been for them, I am grateful for the clarity it has brought for me. Having a snapshot of June’s life before her current living situation will mean my work with her will take on a whole new level of trauma-focused therapy and trying to fill in the pieces of her life that she doesn’t remember and that have been missing in her narrative. As always, no matter how bad the current situation is with a child, I am forever hopeful for small changes happening in their lives as they feel heard and seen. I am forever thankful for having this later in life career of witnessing and holding their feelings for them.