by Liam Heneghan

The following is an excerpt from my unpublished manuscript “A Shorter History of Bodily Fluids”

B.

Brain, liquefaction of: also known as encephalomalacia (from the Greek, μαλακία softening), necrencephalus (from Greek, νεκρο + κεϕαλή deadhead), ramollissement cérébral (from the French ramollissement cérébral), cerebromalacia (from the Greek, μαλακία a colloquial onanist, esp a vehicular onanist; cf blood, semen), cerebral softening (from the Old English soft meaning soft), or more commonly, softening of the brain (pronounced US /breɪn/). When the tissue affected is white matter it is called leukoencephalomalacia; polioencephalomalacia refers to necrosis of the gray matter. This condition may manifest as multiple necrotic fluid-filled cavities replacing healthy brain tissue. It is preferable to inspect this necrosis post-mortem especially if attempting to administer home remedies. If you are a sheep the following suite of symptoms will be diagnostically useful in identifying brain liquefaction: somnolence, short sightedness, ataxia (poor coordination), head pressing, tumblesaulting, walking in circles, walking bipedally, excessive bleating or bleating in prime numbers, and terminal coma. I treated a mouse once that after a fall complained to me that she could only walk in circles. It greatly affected her travel plans and she died penniless, vastly undereducated, and living very close to where she was born.

If after munching on yellow star thistle (Centaurea solstitialis) you become excessively sleepy or find yourself given to aimless wandering and go off your feed, you might be a horse. Unfortunately you also have a condition called nigropallidal encephalomalacia. Avoid prehending Russian Knapweed. If you are a chicken and have ataxia, paralysis, severe softening of the brain, and are brooding excessively on death you have “crazy chick disease”. Take vitamin E capsules with your feed and avoid gassy foodstuffs. Rhinoceroses should also remember to regularly get their vitamin E levels assessed; consider doing so even between regular checkups. If you are a Rhinoceros be vigilant for signs of depression; if you are feeling down, just pop in to your vet. If your condition has progressed to coma, its best to have him visit you.

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