by Gary Borjesson

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. – Carl Jung

Note: I always disguise identities of patients in my writing.

As a psychotherapist, it’s poignant to recognize in my patients’ struggles aspects of my own. An example is the tendency to imagine we are “holding boundaries” when in fact we are retreating from them. This common delusion has far-reaching consequences.

Attention to boundaries is often forced on us by difficult situations or people. Perhaps we’re being criticized; someone’s intruding on our physical space, or dominating a conversation; maybe we’re worrying about how to set boundaries with our partner or child, or whether we should tell the server the food is bad. I envy people whose instinctive response is to confront the situation. But I admire those rare souls who manage to do so generously, in the spirit of resolving the issue collaboratively. This shows self-respect and goodwill; it also shows courage to be able to remain present when circumstances are threatening. It is, in all, a very good mindset for holding boundaries and building good alliances—not to mention for warding off trespassers and enemies.

Most of us, however, tend to react to boundary issues in a variety of less-ideal ways. There’s open hostility, of course; but the reaction I want to explore involves a more or less deliberate avoidance of the person, the problem, and the boundary—all in the name of holding boundaries.

This behavior can take a variety of forms, from the slow ‘avoidant discard’ to ghosting, canceling, or cutting someone off. While retreating thus, we may tell ourselves or friends or a therapist about the righteousness of our action, so that it can even seem like we’re confronting the situation. But often we’re doing the opposite: skirting that fraught, intimate space of contact and potential conflict. Instead of telling the server we’re unhappy, we never go back to the restaurant. Instead of offering feedback to the colleague or friend whose behavior is troubling us, we nurse our resentment and stop engaging with them.

So, why imagine we’re holding boundaries when we’re not? Read more »