by Eric Schenck
My sister and I have always been close. But for the last few years, something has bonded us like nothing before: trashy television. We love nothing more than to watch reality TV shows and rejoice that we are not these people.
90 Day Fiancé (hereafter affectionately referred to as 90 Day) is one of those shows. The premise is simple: people find each other (usually an American and non-American, typically online), develop some kind of virtual relationship, and then finally meet up in person.
The name comes from the “K-1 visa”. This legally gives a foreigner 90 days to get married to a U.S. citizen after they have entered the country if they want to stay. For our delight at home, that’s usually when things go to shit.
There are different versions of 90 Day, but no matter which one we watch, one truth remains: the show really is a master class in love. Not necessarily what you should do to ensure a healthy relationship – but what you should avoid at all costs.
What follows are 20 lessons in love that 90 Day Fiancé has taught me. I hope you learn as much as I have!
1) It’s not enough to say that you’re “doing the work”
If there is one phrase from 90 Day that is completely full of hot air, it’s “doing the work”. The main conflict of the show is the complicated nature of romance. The solution?
Doing the work.
That’s what people tell the camera. That’s what they beg of their partners. That’s even what therapists praise them for on “The Last Resort” (a particularly juicy spinoff).
You’d think with how much “work” everyone is doing, these would be the healthiest couples ever. But that’s not true – because they’re not actually changing anything.
You can’t just say stuff. You actually have to follow through on it, too.
2) People have way more “last chances” than they would ever admit
I can’t count the number of times somebody on 90 Day has given an interview, looked at the camera, and told the viewers at home that this is the “last chance” for them and their partner.
So serious. So solemn. And hardly ever true.
They claim to have boundaries, and then their partner breaks them, and a month later they’re still together. And, most likely, once again on a “last chance” of sorts.
My lord. The words we use matter. It doesn’t do anyone any favors to threaten a “last chance” if you don’t actually follow through on it.
3) Alcohol + unresolved issues = a recipe for disaster
After enough drunken fights, you’d be safe to assume that these people would self-reflect. Alcohol is bad for me? It turns me into a monster, and makes me say things to my girlfriend that just about anybody would regret?
Hmmm…. fuck it, pour me a double.
Big Ed and Liz are my first experience with this. Just when you think they’re getting somewhere, Ed grabs a bottle of wine after a long day of getting waxed with mayonnaise (not a joke). Two hours later they’re screaming at each other, and it’s back to square one (even if they’ve “done the work”). If booze brings out the worst in you, maybe skip it for awhile.
I do wonder what it would be like to see this show with marijuana instead of alcohol. Everybody smokes a joint before they have a serious talk. Halfway through a conversation they forget what their problem was. They start giggling instead. What could have been a screaming match turns into a meandering chat about what it would be like to be a spoon.
Can you imagine something more lovely?
4) You can’t change a person
Most of the people on 90 Day seem intent on changing their partner. The argument typically goes something like this:
“If I can only make them (irrational and completely unrealistic demand), then everything will be great.”
Well, news flash: you can’t. Even if you succeed in altering their behavior for a bit, that’s just a bandaid. Some kind of resentment is just sitting there under the surface. And I promise you: it will bubble over when you least expect it.
Changing yourself is hard enough. How the hell do you expect to do it with somebody else?
Plus, if you want to fundamentally change who somebody is…
Do you really love them anyway?
5) Culture matters more than you think
In my eyes, the main draw of 90 Day isn’t the romance part. It’s everything that has to do with a clash of cultures.
In the majority of cases, the couples are made of a person from the U.S. and a person from a different country. This doesn’t sound so difficult if you’ve never dated a foreigner. But if you have? You know full well that cultural differences can break your brain.
I should know: I seriously dated two German women. In their own ways, they were nice enough. But it’s always the little things. After five years of waiting at crosswalks for the light to turn green (even when there weren’t any cars) and Sunday morning breakfast spreads that took an hour to set up (even when I just wanted a piece of toast), I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Culture was a big enough problem in my situation. But with the pressure of marriage on the horizon? I can’t even imagine. So just a word to the wise: you need to prepare yourself.
And one more pro tip: if you do fall in love with somebody from a different country, do your damn research. This should go without saying. Sadly, with the people from 90 Day, it doesn’t.
6) You are marrying a family
Somewhat related to my last lesson. It would be great if this weren’t true…but it is.
If you’re marrying somebody, you’re basically taking in their family too. This can be great. I know people that love their in-laws, and in a lot of ways, they can add a ton of value to your life.
But it can also be terrible. Just look at Kimberly (engaged to an Indian guy) speaking with her fiancé’s brother, Tash. I squeal with laughter anytime they have a chat. Kimberly thinks Tash is a misogynistic man-child who’s always looking for a fight (he is). Tash thinks Kimberly is a stupid Westerner that’s stealing his brother away and doesn’t respect the traditions of the family (she is).
In most situations, your partner’s family is unavoidable. Not saying you have to love them (or even like them). But they do exist, and you’re going to have to deal with them.
7) For the love of God – please have hobbies
I’ve noticed a pattern: the people on 90 Day that are the most successful in relationships typically have a pretty solid life to begin with. They have things they enjoy. Activities they fill their time with. Some kind of way to make themselves whole, or close enough, without a helping hand.
The ones that seem, well, obsessed with their partner? Obsession can quickly turn into desperation. And desperation is the quickest path to unrealistic expectations forced on your partner.
Your boo is not your savior. They won’t be (and shouldn’t be) rescuing you from something. Love your partner, sure. But also try to love your life without them.
8) Not talking about something is OK too
You are human. It’s unavoidable that at some point you will mistreat your partner. You’ll hurt their feelings, and you should acknowledge that when it happens.
Still, you can take this too far. Just sitting on the couch and watching these people rehash the same petty argument for the fifth time is exhausting. Not everything has to turn into a talk.
Of course, this doesn’t give you blank check. You don’t get to be a jerk and then say “Babe can’t we just move on?” At a certain point you have to admit what you’ve done.
But these people really love to talk just for the sake of talking. Move on, and try to get better.
9) Other people know a relationship is over long before you do
There’s a really cool line from a Lorde song (“Hard Feelings”) that I think describes it perfectly:
When you’ve outgrown a lover, the whole world knows but you.
It’s true. Assuming your family and friends aren’t psychopaths that are just trying to destroy your relationship for the fun of it, they usually have a pretty accurate read on things. When you’re inside the bottle, it’s hard to read the label.
The lesson here: listen to what your homies have to say. It might not be what you want to hear, but they almost certainly have a clearer view of your situation than you do.
10) Attraction is either there, or it’s not
This is something that will forever fascinate me.
Can you teach yourself to be attracted to someone? I don’t think so. Attraction is either there, or it’s not. (It’s certainly something you can lose, though.)
And when it’s not there in person? Even after years of talking to each other online? Honestly, it’s painful to watch.
On 90 Day there’s this guy in a wheelchair named Brian. He goes to meet his “internet girlfriend” Ingrid in Brazil, clearly excited to get it on. But you can tell almost immediately that the attraction just isn’t there. She clutches on to any excuse she can find to avoid sleeping with him.
And the worst part? Brian doesn’t see it himself. He’s convinced that all he has to do to get her in bed is say the right words in the right order. He remains blissfully unaware that she’s just not that into him. Tough luck man!
That said, if the attraction is there…
11) The longer you go without having sex, the weirder things become
After watching countless hours of 90 Day, my sister and I realized something: the longer these people wait to have sex once they actually meet in person, the worse things usually turn out.
I don’t know how crazy of a revelation this is. Almost all of us are horny. We are animals that really just want to screw each other. And that’s OK. Acting like you both haven’t been thinking about it during every video call the past year is ridiculous.
When people on 90 Day try to avoid that (for whatever reason), things get awkward real fast. Just have sex. That usually takes the edge off of things, and gets rid of most of the awkwardness.
Obviously there are exceptions to this rule. If you are holding off for religious reasons, are dealing with some kind of trauma, are “saving yourself for marriage” (or, as we saw, just not into them), I can understand keeping your pants on. But most of us don’t fall into this category.
12) Accept blame every now and then
90 Day is a weird show. But the strangest thing of all? Seeing somebody take responsibility. It’s so rare that it’s actually quite shocking when you see it happen.
Ashley is a great example. Her Ecuadorian husband Manuel isn’t allowed to work in the U.S. because of visa restrictions, and he feels like he’s stuck. Turns out, Ashley (who just so happens to be a witch), was responsible for filing some of the paperwork, and it took her over a year to actually get it squared away.
Manuel was stuck in a holding pattern because of her – and Ashley actually admitted to it. I remember I was so shocked when this happened, that I actually asked my sister to rewind it.
There we had it: somebody on 90 Day, dealing with a partner that was in a bad place, and admitting that they had a hand in it. 90 Day is so full of people putting blame on everybody but themself. But somebody that puts it on their own shoulders? A modern day miracle. None of us like to say “I was wrong and I’m sorry.” But boy, it can go a long way. And remember this: just because you are accepting part of the blame, in no way means you are accepting all of it.
13) Social media and romance don’t mix
Sometimes I wonder what dating and marriage were like before the internet. I was born in 1993. My childhood was right at the cusp of a technological shift. I remember landlines and “missed connections” ads in the newspaper. This is just what romance was 30 years ago.
But now? Spend an hour on Instagram or Facebook, and you can see everybody your partner has ever dated. Everything they’ve ever said online. Everything that paints them in a bad light, and everything they’d rather forget. It reminds me of that Black Mirror episode, “The Entire History Of You”.
If you’re anything short of a complete psychopath, this sounds exhausting. Maybe becoming known (if not famous) is the entire reason so many of these 90 Day relationships fail so spectacularly.
The internet and everything it brings along can’t possibly be good for your brain (or your relationship). And if you want one that actually works, it’s probably best to avoid social media. Or at least ignore it.
14) Assume problems are far less complicated
Is your partner hungry? Did they sleep like shit? Are their jeans too tight? Is there a mosquito that won’t leave them alone? Did that book they were in love with have a really bad ending?
With relationships it’s easy to get sucked into a weird kind of catastrophizing (all too common on 90 Day). Your partner seems checked out, and you assume the worst. They don’t like you anymore. They’ve been tired of your snoring for years, can’t stand the way you smack your lips when you eat, and are probably going to break up with you before the weekend.
But humans kind of suck. We’re neurotic, overly-emotional, and completely inconsistent in the way we act. Before you assume the worst, assume the simple. It makes you a bit gentler with your partner. It’s also just more pleasant to live life that way.
15) Would you prefer to be right, or to be happy?
This is something my sister asked me recently. To her credit, it’s one of the deeper questions I’ve heard. It gets to the bottom of a certain relationship dynamic that I think is important: you can be right, and you can be happy, but sometimes you can’t be both. At least not at the same time.
I admitted that I am still at the stage where I’d rather be right. Maybe my ego is just too large. I still wither away like a dead flower when I swallow my words instead of continuing a conversation. I’m hoping that changes. For a lot of the people from 90 Day, I think they’re the same. You see them get into “conversations”, and you just know that it’s going to turn into an argument. The golden ticket to avoiding that? Not needing to insist that you are correct (even if you are).
I’m not saying you should let your partner walk all over you. Sometimes you have to take a stand, and as cliché as it sounds, boundaries are important.
But how much happier would we all be if we knew in our bones that we were correct about something…
And decided to let the conversation die anyway?
16) Try to fall in love with all the future versions of your partner
I came across this idea a couple years ago. At first it seems a bit weird, but the more you think about it, the more profound it becomes.
People change. Even if you stay together forever, the person you meet and fall in love with is not the same person that you will have kids with. Or that you will travel with. Or that you will grow old with. That’s not a bad thing. But it is something to come to terms with.
On 90 Day, the basic fact of change is usually treated as an afterthought. Often, when a couple is on the verge of calling it quits, the main complaint is something along the lines of:
They’ve changed.
Well – no shit. We’re monkeys that know how to read and we live on a tiny ball floating through space. The very fact that we exist is crazy, and you expect me to have some consistent and never-changing personality? Not a chance. I suppose this really comes down to changing (and growing) not just alongside your partner, but with your partner. Do that, and you’re setting yourself up for romantic success long into the future.
17) If you’re laughing, you’re doing alright
My mom and dad have been married (successfully, I like to think) for over 40 years. In the modern day that’s the closest thing to a miracle that I can think of. Their secret? They laugh. Almost constantly. And often, not just with each other, but at each other.
I grew up in this house. Was it perfect? No. There were stresses and problems just like any other family. But laugh we did.
If you aren’t laughing with your partner, something is wrong. And honestly? I can’t think of a more miserable relationship than one where that’s absent. You see it on the show all the time: the partners that laugh together, stay together.
18) If you don’t trust your partner, you probably shouldn’t be with them
Don’t ask for your partner’s passwords. Don’t demand that they call you when they are out with their friends. Don’t interrogate them about where they’ve been. If you don’t trust the person you’re with to “behave” when you’re not around, why even bother?
People on 90 Day fail spectacularly at this. And it makes for absolutely wonderful (and absurd) TV. Like Mary from the Philippines. She forces her American boyfriend Brandon to stay on a 24/7 video call with her. No matter the time, and no matter what he is doing. He literally poops while she is watching him through the phone.
This isn’t a relationship – it’s a hostage situation.
Maybe it’s just too idealistic of me, but trust your partner until they give you a very clear reason not to. That said…
19) It’s really hard to hide cheating
We all fancy ourselves masters of disguise. We like to think if worse came to worse, we could hide things. That’s probably true when we’re dealing with most people. But with our partners? I don’t think we give enough credit to their ability to intuitively know when something is just…off. If you’re ever acting out of the norm, your partner picks up on that.
My point? If you want to cheat on your partner, think twice. Not only is it shitty, but they’ll catch you eventually. Plus, let’s be honest: who’s got the time to play the balancing act?
And really: your partner could probably cheat on you too. It’s never been easier to find options (even if getting away with it is a different story). Do yourself the mutual favor of keeping your pants on.
And with that depressing one out of the way…
20) Unexpected compliments go a long way
This last one ends on a positive note.
Maybe relationship success is easy. Maybe it really just comes down to finding someone you enjoy most of the time, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and being nice to them.
And part of that is compliments. Far too often we’re just kind of assholes. Or at least, we take things too seriously. Sure, we love our person – but they already know that. We then sink into the routine (and very non-intentional) act of “loving somebody.” This can kill a little bit of the spark. But one of the quickest (and easiest) ways to grab it back?
Compliments. You see that on the show. Couples that take the time, even just a few seconds, to say something nice about their partner? Those are usually the ones that are succeeding. Two caveats here:
- It needs to be real. People can smell bullshit from a mile away (see previous point).
- Don’t lay it on too thick. Compliments lose their power when you feel the urge to drown somebody in them.
Is it always this easy? Probably not. But you’d be surprised of the power that one genuine and well-timed compliment can have on your love life.
Use this power wisely.
…
Do I suggest that everybody get their love advice from 90 Day Fiancé?
Certainly not. It’s much too dysfunctional to be a springboard for anything good, and like any reality TV show, you do ask yourself how “real” it actually is. But you can take lessons from just about anything, and over the last two years, I like to think the show has taught me a bit about what it means to be a good partner.
Of course, it’s questionable what romantic benefit the show has actually given me. I’ve been single for a while, and all things considered, my love life has been anything but a resounding success.
Still, 90 Day Fiancé is nothing if not entertaining. And at the end of the day, like I said at the beginning, at least my sister and I have found one thing we both love to do:
Rejoicing that we are not these people!
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