Sexual Harassers Complain Bitterly About Harvey Weinstein Ruining Their Game

by Evert Cilliers (visuals by David Thall)

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1. Actor Kevin Spacey:

"All my life I've gone around groping other men, or falling on them bodily when I was drunk. And I never got into trouble about it until Harvey Weinstein blew it all up for us sex harassers. Now they've gone and canceled my series House of Cards that everyone loved. Is this fair to the audience who was waiting breathlessly for the next season? And is this right for me as an actor? Heck, my reputation as a sex harasser could've added depth to my immoral character in the series. They could've written a few sexual gropings for my character in the next season, which would've made it very topical. I could've done a great acting job because it would've been based on my own experience. Now all this great acting opportunity is buggered because of Harvey Weinstein. Harvey Weinstein, you effing douchebag! You've messed things up for me. I hope you get arrested and go to jail for how you've ruined my life."

2. Director James Toback: "Until that moron Harvey Weinstein screwed things up for us sex harassers, I had a great time sexually harassing my way among all the juicy actresses in Hollywood until 310 women complained. 310 actresses! Imagine that! Bill O'Reilly and Cosby, I bet you guys never came close to my record. I'm the king of sex harassers. Then Harvey came along and ruined everything for us powerful men who got off on thrusting our pelvises at women who wanted it anyway. Harvey, you utter asshole! You've screwed things up for me forever. I might never get consensual sex with any respectable woman ever again. Am I reduced to finding five-dollar hookers to suck me off on Hollywood Boulevard? I never thought my life would turn out to be as hard as my dick until Harvey screwed things up for me."

3. Pundit Mark Halperin: "Listen, I wrote Game Change, which was such a good book about the 2008 presidential election that HBO filmed it. I was a pundit revered by everyone. So I groped a few chicks who had the gall to stand so close to me that I couldn't help just reaching out and putting my hand in a few intimate places. Heck, boys will be boys — can we help it if a woman comes within handy groping distance? Harvey, you complete idiot! How could you go and ruin the career of a respected pundit who was only an occasional groper, and never raped anyone seriously for real that I can remember, but just put his hand where women don't expect it to be put, although it's their fault really, because they have these places on their bodies where a man's hand automatically goes to?"

4. Fox News TV Star Bill O'Reilly: "Listen, I got fired from Fox News because the sons of Rupert Murdoch weren't as mature as him when it came to matters of sexual harassment. These young guys, what do they know? They're into consensual sex. Do they have the know-how to appreciate the pleasures of non-consensual sex? No. They lack my experience. But now Harvey comes along, and he's ruined my career even more after my career was already ruined. As I said to Roger Ailes the other day just before he died, probably from grief over all these rumors about him poking his dick at places where it supposedly was unwanted — how can guys like us get other big jobs now, jobs that are powerful, so powerful that we can sexually harass all the women under us, who should be really right under us, ha-ha-ha, if you get my meaning?"

5. Ex-President Herbert Walker Bush:

"So I'm in a wheelchair, ferchrissake, so how can I be a sexual harasser? My arm is just at the height of the lower half of a woman's body, so my hand naturally falls on the lower waist of any woman standing next to me for an innocent photo opportunity. To be precise, my hand falls on a woman's butt, without me being able to do anything about it being as I'm in a wheelchair. So what do I do? I give that butt a few reassuring pats because my hand is there. And I think my funny joke really excuses the whole thing, when I say so everyone can hear me while my hand is on the women's ass: ‘Do you know who my favorite magician is? David Cop-a-Feel!' People shouldn't be making such a fuss, especially with me having Parkinson's so I get a bit whacked out sometimes with my hand not knowing where it is making women uncomfortable, who shouldn't be uncomfortable, because this is a hand that signed many great bills into Acts of Congress."

6. Comedian Bill Cosby:

"When my case comes up again, the jury is going to be totally against me because of this damn Weinstein business, and I think Harvey should be sued for placing me in this invidious position when my trial starts again because I just fed a harmless drug to some women who met me to discuss their careers whom I was willing to promote if they just let my winkie into their podinkies for a few satisfying thrusts that would've hurt nobody really when you consider the advantages to their careers."

7. Politician Anthony Wiener:

"This Harvey Weinstein business is going to make me look even worse than before, even though I'm paying for my sins in goddam jail because of sexting with an under-age girl who hit on me first, dammit —what is a man supposed to do when a woman you never met starts texting sexy dirty come-on stuff to you over the internet? Besides, it was a compulsion on my part, and can't a man be excused for compulsive behavior? You're compulsivized by some demon, so it's not your fault — they should put the demon in jail, not you yourself. I never groped or fucked anyone, I just sexted, dammit, and here I am in jail. These women didn't complain when I sent them dick pics, did they? Shouldn't women see my Carlos Danger dick when it's such a good size, a dick as big as the dick I am?"

8. Director Roman Polanski:

"Now I'll never be able to return to Hollywood, the place of my greatest triumphs, or win an Oscar again, even if I make a picture as good as Chinatown or The Pianist for which the Oscar voters gave me an Oscar even though they knew I raped an under-age girl-child. This Weinstein business has really screwed things up for me. Heck, I might not be able to get financing for a movie again."
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9. DJ David Mueller (he groped Taylor Swift's ass):

"Listen, she was standing next to me, and I always thought she had a cute ass. So what I was doing when I put my hand on her ass and squeezed it with my fingers trying to reach deep in her butt crack? I was simply worshipping her talent. But did she appreciate my groping worship in honor of her fabulousness? No, she got all uppity and got me fired two days later because she mentioned this minor act of worship to my bosses in a bad light, and then humiliated me in the court case when she was all confident and everything. Just for a grope I was ruined. Heck, if she weren't a celebrity, nothing might have happened like with other women whose asses I've worshipped in the past which we don't need to mention now."

10. Magazine Editor Leon Wieseltier:

"My life is over, and I'm still only in my sixties. I've been fired from every position — my Brookings Institution stripped me of my fellowship, the Atlantic doesn't want my contributions anymore, this wealthy widow who was going to finance a new magazine for me, went AWOL on me. All just because when I ran The New Republic, my widely admired magazine, I kissed a whole bunch of young women full on the mouth against their wishes; I described their bodies to them, really a rather complimentary act at the time, I thought; I recounted my own sexual exploits in detail to them, which I was only doing just in case they wanted to add to these exploits; I sputtered obscenities at them, and apparently this brought tears and shame to females under my power. Everyone on the New Republic knew about this, but no one on the staff, man or woman, had the courage to call me out then, so why are they doing it now? Most unfair. All because of you, Weinstein — didn't you know the risk you were taking, the risk that you'd be ruining the careers of other sex assaulters besides yourself? You really let the team down when you couldn't keep your shenanigans out of the newspaper anymore. I know you tried to shut down that New York Times article and Rose McGowan by hiring Mossad agents and star lawyer David Boies, whom I commend for trying to protect you, but you should've tried harder."

11. Islam Scholar and Oxford University Professor Tariq Ramadan:

"I will not let these women who say I raped them get away with it. Henda Ayari, this French Muslim author hussy, says, "I considered him like a father figure." Good for her. But then she turned around and claimed I assaulted and raped her when she met me in a hotel suite in Paris in 2012. She says I slapped her in the face when she resisted and she says, to quote her, "He told me I came for that, and I deserved what I got. That I didn't wear the veil, so I was a prostitute." Now there's another women who said I raped her. How dare they accuse an Islamic scholar like me with a prestigious job at Oxford University? I'm not going to lay down and just take it like those American wimps Bill O'Reilly, Kevin Spacey, James Toback, Mark Halperin, Leon Wieseltier and Harvey Weinstein, although I wish Harvey hadn't done all those things that now has given the brotherhood of sex harassers a bad name. These guys are Christians, and they don't know how to fight back. I will demolish these women, and I will make them feel really raped when I screw them over in my defamation suits."

12. Fox News Boss Roger Ailes:

"It's very hot here where I'm spending the rest of my dead days, but I still feel I have to complain that Harvey Weinstein has queered the pitch even for us dead sexual harassers. Satan has given me extra hurt time in the Flaming Pitchforks Room, all because of that moron Weinstein. Harvey, you prick, how dare you give Beelzebub the motive to burn my dick even more than he already has?"

13. GOP Senate Candidate Roy Moore:

"Here's this woman who lies about something that supposedly happened a million years ago when she was 14 and I was in my thirties, and I'm 70 now.

"She says I took off her shirt and pants and removed my clothes. She says I touched her over her bra and underpants, and guided her hand to touch my erection over my underwear. She remembers thinking, ‘I wanted it over with — I wanted out. Please just get this over with. Whatever this is, just get it over.' She asked me to take her home, and I did.

"Now I ask you, if another guy had done this, not me, let's try this thought experiment.

"1. My pal Alabama state auditor Jim Ziegler said this: ‘Take the Bible. Zachariah and Elizabeth, for instance. Zachariah was extremely old to marry Elizabeth, and they became the parents of John the Baptist. Also take Joseph and Mary. Mary was a teenager, and Joseph was an adult carpenter. They became parents of Jesus. There's just nothing immoral or illegal here. Maybe just a little bit unusual.' See, there's a precedent for this in the Bible, a divine tradition, so how can it be bad?

"2. This happened in the south, known for a tradition of incest, where Jerry Lee Lewis long ago established a tradition of older men going out with under-age girls; he even married a 15-year-old. At least the man in our thought experiment didn't sleep with his sister, so what he did was not so bad.

"3. The girl was 14, not 9, so I don't think it's right to call the thought-experiment guy a pedophile. He didn't even sleep with her, so it's not statutory rape either, so it was not so bad. He took her home, which I think was nice of the thought-experiment guy. It shows he had her welfare in mind, so it was not so bad.

"4. Since I'm not this thought-experiment guy, at all, I've written to my fellow-Christians as follows: ‘The Obama-Clinton Machine's liberal media lapdogs just launched the most vicious and nasty round of attacks against me I've EVER faced. The forces of evil will lie, cheat, steal — even inflict physical harm — if they believe it will silence and shut up Christian conservatives like you and me. That's why I must be able to count on the help of God-fearing conservatives like you to stand with me at this critical moment.' Then I asked them for an emergency contribution to my campaign.

"5. A Hollywood liberal, Harvey Weinstein, inspired this woman to lie about me, so how can I be bad?"

14. Comedian Louis C.K.:

"I never touched any of these offended women, I merely masturbated in front of them. So I'm not as bad as all these other guys. Besides, I asked first before I pulled my organ out in front of them. And I gave a great apology when it all came out, so I think I'll be forgiven in a few weeks after all this blows over, and everybody remembers how bad everyone else was, especially Harvey Weinstein, for getting me into this mess, when all I did was masturbate. Heck, I wouldn't mind a woman masturbating in front of me, so why should a woman mind me masturbating in front of her? And I came on myself, not on them, after all. There was not a smidgen of sperm on any woman when I was done, so I think my fans will forgive me."

15. Movie Producer Harvey Weinstein:

"I have already apologized for my behavior to those women who were offended by my behavior towards them, although it was all consensual as far as I am concerned, and furthermore, there are women who had stunning careers because they allowed me to put my porksword in their doodahs, and I haven't seen any of them complain to the media about how much their careers advanced because they were nice to me, unlike the women who were not very humane and accommodating, and are now complaining all over the place to the point that I might be arrested for my behavior by the NYPD or the London bobbies for behavior that I'd been doing for many decades that furthered the careers of many actresses who knew on which side of the bread their future was buttered. But now I wish to apologize to all my fellow harassing bros, the brotherhood of sexual harassers, whom I have let down terribly by having my behavior exposed by those two female journalists on the NY Times who, by the way, I wouldn't have harassed at all since they're not nearly as fuckable as all these juicy Hollywood actresses. Sorry, guys, that I have made life so complicated for you, and actually ruined many of your lives. I think we should stand together, us brothers in sexual harassment, and not forget that we are the true victims here, since we have helped many women advance in life and it only costs them a few moments of our pleasure with them. What could we do, they looked so delicious, and we knew we could help them in their careers, we felt we had to help them, and all we required from them was a little help with our erections which their presence had caused in the first place. These women, they still went ahead and had their lives, and now all the women in the world can complain freely about the brotherhood of sexual harassers, even in France, where their #metoo hashtag is called #BalanceTonPorc, and do you know what that means in English? It means ‘Expose Your Pig.' They hurt us enough by outing us, do they have to insult us by calling us pigs on top of that?"

16. President Donald Trump:

"I thought I should write more than a tweet of a 140 characters about all this sex harassment stuff since Harvey Weinstein, a great guy, has landed in deep doodoo because he harassed a few women who wanted him to further their careers, and all he wanted for the big favor he was going to do them, was a little favor in return, a few minutes of pleasure for him, in exchange for a lifetime of great success for them. That's what I call a good deal, and I'm a master of the art of the deal. The women who made the deal, they got ahead, and those who didn't, well he screwed them over, didn't he? That's what happens when you walk away from a good deal with your eyes open and your vagina snapped shut. Harvey was a celebrity, and this is how it is with celebrities, women let you do anything to them when you are a celebrity, you can grab them by the pussy and all. I mean, I've done it, I know they don't mind if you grab them by the pussy when you're a celebrity. Heck, I'm the president now, the biggest dude on the planet, so now I can look for the most important woman on the planet to grab her by her pussy. Who is the most important woman in the world? Hillary? Angela Merkel? I'd grab them by the pussy any time, except they don't look as good as my daughter Ivanka, whose pussy I'd grab any day if she weren't my daughter."