by Akim Reinhardt
A couple of years ago I offered up a style guide that danced between the sartorial and the linguistic. But times change and styles with it. Time for an update.
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Do not wear red.
This one is easy for me as red tends to make my skin look blotchy. But what about those of you who sparkle in red? I’m sorry. Styles come and go, and we now find ourselves in a season when wearing bright, straight red will get you mistaken for being a Trump supporter.
And honey, nothing is more out of fashion than that.
Burgundy, maroon, and oxblood are still in play. Take your chances with tomato.
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Among instead of amongst, unless you’re actually reading Shakespeare aloud. Among has economy and, more importantly, style. It is the word of choice among the dapper. Furthermore, among is frequently followed by the, and they go splendidly together, whereas amongst the gives the impression that you have mumps. And there are no awards for stacking as many consonants together as you can.
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Hang dry your flannel. Sheets, shirts, etc. I’m talking about 100% cotton flannel, regardless of whether or not the item has a traditional flannel check design. Flannel is a fabulous material for cool and cold weather. And when the Welsh first invented it in the 17th century, flannel was made from wool and was quite hardy. But since the 20th century it’s mostly been the light, fluffy cotton fabric we now know and love, and it is not cut out for modern washers, driers, or detergents/softeners, which beat the shit out of our textiles. Synthetic fibers can hang tough. Even plain old cotton weaves can hold their own for a good while. But washing and drying flannel in machinery with commercial solvents will wear it out quickly, and worse, destroy its luxurious yet approachable texture. Wash sparingly, as needed. Air shirts out when you can. And when you do put your flannel in the washer, use gentle detergent (as little as possible) with cold water on a gentle cycle. But most of all, do not put your flannel in the dryer. Hang drying can take a while because flannel is not a smooth fabric. But some things are worth the wait.
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Don’t marry before age 30. I’m starting to notice my friends’ children marrying in their mid-20s. Slow your roll, kids. Your frontal cortex, which helps you gauge time and grasp consequences, doesn’t fully form until your mid-late twenties. Go make all those bad decisions without a state contract binding you to them. Plus, you’re in your twenties! There are people out there you want to have sex with who also want to have sex with you. Plural. People. More than one. Go have some fun. You’ll never be this nubile again. And yes, there are of course real advantages to getting married and having kids on the younger side. But there are also real advantages to never having kids or getting married at all.
Trust Uncle Akim on that one. Or just ask your parents.
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I’m not sure what’s happened to this world of ours that I feel the need to discuss whilst. But here we go. What a pretentious use of archaic language. It certainly doth not suit thee, so turn thine eyes away from such an ill favored jumble. I mean, just stop it already. Why on earth would you want to sound like a rich, English prep school twat (which rhymes with cat)? But if you must, go fuck yourself whilst you’re at it.
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Don’t request premium vodka in your cocktails. There is no variance in the flavor profile of different vodkas, discounting those that have already been infused with chemical impersonations of citrus or vanilla or what have you. Blech! Vodka, by definition, is an unflavored, unseasoned, neutral grain spirit. The only thing separating good vodkas from bad vodkas is smoothness. Which is not something you’ll notice in a drink that’s 2 parts vodka and 4–6 parts other ingredients. You’re ordering a dry vodka martini with a twist? Go ahead and call your shot. But a Screwdriver? A Bloody Mary? An Appletini? Or any other of the hundreds of cocktails with vodka and a bunch of strong flavors? Don’t bother. It’s like putting premium gasoline in your Kia; you really won’t notice the difference. The rail vodka’s good enough. You wanna impress the bartender? Use the money you save to tip nicely.
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Indigenous People’s Day, not Columbus Day. C’mon now.
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Make your own cutoff jean shorts. It’s the natural life progression of dungarees to wear out and become shorts, just the way God and Evolution intended. What’s stopping you? You know how to use a pair of scissors. You know exactly how long you want your shorts to be. You know the fringes they’ll develop along the unhemmed bottom edge look damn good on you. And you know store-bought jean shorts are way overpriced and often look like poser bullshit. Plus, there’s some handy reverse engineering along the way: next time you’re out shopping for new jeans, hold them up and ask yourself, “Will these make good jean shorts when the time comes?” If the answer is No, then they don’t make good jeans now.
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Dark chocolate, not milk. You’re an adult. You’re ready to take chances and experience true love.
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Today’s shoelaces are aesthetically pleasant and functionally frustrating. Laces used to mostly come in just white, black, and brown. However, modern synthetic materials from which many laces are now made can easily be turned into the exact same color as the shoes they lace through. Exciting! But they don’t stay tied for very long because those modern synthetic materials are slippery. Annoying! Feel free to mix and match. Don’t be afraid to replace those perfectly matched laces with some nice cotton laces that don’t match as well but remain tied. And what to do with those extra laces you no longer need? They make great cat toys.
Or just go barefoot, especially at weddings, but at only select funerals.
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Towards instead of toward. This the rare instance of me being on board with those aluminium-spouting Brits. The standard American usage is toward, which is consistent with forward. But whereas I prominently pronounce the w in forward, I tend to soften it significantly in toward, which renders it something like tord. And if you ask me, that’s just backwards, so towards it is.
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Pay in cash at the local small businesses you enjoy patronizing. Credit card companies charge them upwards of 3.5% per transaction, or even more in some cases. Don’t make your fave local businesses pay that. Just lay down that good ole folding money. But absolutely accumulate points and cash back when buying crap from those massive corporations that so dominate our lives. Assuming you’re not carrying a balance. Credit card debt doesn’t look good on anyone.
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Develop your sense of humor. An immature sense of humor betrays an unformed soul. And beware the people who don’t want you to laugh. If they can silence your laughter, they can control you.
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Eat your fortune cookie. Don’t just read the fortune and discard the little paper ribbon amid fractured pieces of unwanted cookies. So what if the fortune is usually wrong, assuming it even makes any sense? The cookie is the real prize. Flour, water, oil, sugar, and a touch of vanilla or almond extract crackling in your mouth: That is your true destiny
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Amdist?
Don’t start.
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Speaking of getting lost, learn how to read a map. It used to be right up there with swimming and driving a stick on the list of basic skills that one day might keep you from dying. Of course transmissions of any sort will be out of style once the EVs take over. But if you can only get somewhere when a computer tells you left here, right there, then you’re really just spinning your wheels.
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Never listen to twats like me.
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Akim Reinhardt’s decidedly stylish website is ThePublicProfessor.com