by Bonnie McCune
Sometimes I imagine my reality, the one I live in day to day, is that I am truly all alone. The people, the world, the politics, the struggles are hallucinations. My life would be so much easier and less painful if that were so.
No, that’s a cop-out. An attempt to explain the inexplicable.
People these days often feel this way. Experts counsel us that loneliness is pervasive, with approximately half of U.S. adults experiencing loneliness. Because I’m the mature age I am, quite definitely in the “older” category, and because I’ve been researching housing for the aging, I easily can envision the result –millions of old people stuck away in rooms the size of individual crates to bear the end of their lives alone. A friend of mine, without children or partner, isolated in a large, three-story, stone house, says her most pressing human need is for companionship. People to talk to, bounce ideas off, have fun with.
While I’m not in her precise position, I can with no effort imagine it. The results? I’m learning not to be quite so snarky in my conversational forays, not to be as stand-offish in casual chats at the grocery store or in line at the movies. Faster to send emails to old acquaintances.
Changes in our American life styles make a difference. We used to have friendly little coffee shops where we could meet congenial passersby. Now in those locations, we’re all hemmed in with laptops, cell phones and tablets, often populated with AIs complete with their own personalities and quirks. Who needs humans? Yet we still desire them.
Yes, even in the new, independent-living megaliths going up by the dozens in my area. They usually are predominantly glass and concrete. Their insides are shiny. The dimensions of their standard rooms are about ten by fifteen feet. Their dominant colors are neutral. They have a dearth of storage areas so their residents won’t tote along a surplus of clothes, books, or tchotchkes laden with memories. Nothing really alive. Even items that appear to be plants frequently are artificial.
Why are we inclined that way in our housing and living patterns? Aside from the fact that the more oldies that are stuffed in a limited space, the more money developers will get for filling them. Humans are naturally social critters. Why can’t we stay that way when we get old? Maybe because we tend to develop physical limitations—hearing loss, troubles moving. These can be compensated for. An example: the Hispanic families I know seem to retain their closeness over the generations. I envy them that. They seem much more naturally group-oriented.
So here we are, caught in a dilemma. We long for human interaction, yet we don’t seek it out. Why?
Oftentimes, when humans are together for lengths of time or in close quarters, they force one another into uncomfortable, rude, petty-minded words and actions. Counter-productive. You’d think we would learn.
On the other hand, it could be that loneliness is desired, I imagine people seek it out. Say when a grandchild is so negative, abrupt and rude that I wish I were solitary. Then I wouldn’t have to scramble for excuses, attempt to view life from their perspective, or simply breathe deeply and suppress a string of curses that would startle the pants off them.
Another example when loneliness is better than company: those interminable times after a sporting event when entranced fans are so enthusiastic they simply refuse to stop going over and over their favorites’ winning actions.
Or if by chance I get into a conversation about contemporary politics, I’m sure to run into an individual who has all the answers to today’s social ills. I can’t bear the violent, closed-minded attitude of many of my contemporaries. Why is it they always seem to be the ones who don’t agree with me, of course?
Artist David Hochney, who passed away recently at the ripe old age of 88, knew what’s up with reality. “I think the world is beautiful to look at, but most people don’t see it,” he said. “The world is beautiful, and it’s also mad.” So maybe I’m correct when I fear all humans are nuts. Could normal human behavior and attitudes be the true example of insanity?
Infuriating. We can’t stand others but we also abhor the emptiness of solitude.
Putting aside the impossibility of solving that dilemma, I still would like to come to grips with the effects of isolation upon our beings. All aspects of our various conditions become impacted by isolation. All sorts of official organizations conduct all sorts of studies, evaluations, and measurements of human attitudes and behaviors, and have, amazingly!, concluded that seclusion negatively affects our mental, physical, and social well-being. So what’s the answer? Mandatory happy hours? Kissy-face sessions with the next adorable toddler we see? Prescription drugs so we don’t experience radical side effects? At this period of human development, our options are simply pick and choose by chance. No definite answers
I have to state without qualification that there are some types of people I wouldn’t want to be within ten-foot-pole proximity. Practicalities immediately rule out some conditions. We all know the dangers of being too close physically. COVID taught us that, if the Black Death hadn’t. Then there are people I have no desire to know better, stand beside, or even breath in their shared air, out of personal preference:
- Bigots, racists of any type
- Bores, unless they’re distributing a snack I want
- Rabid sports fans unless they can pry their attention away from statistics
- Supporters of certain political persuasions.
Another take on a different type of resolution. Grit your teeth and depend upon yourself. “I’m not much but I’m all I have.” ―author Philip K. Dick
So I’m centered on egoism. An old ditty says the same thing in a slightly different manner. “I like myself, I think I’m grand, I go to the movie and I hold my hand. I put my arm around my waist, when I get fresh, I slap my face.”
Never mind. I’ve gotten an answer to my musings about humanity. My question once to a very learned man was, “Why are humans so evil? Why is there war, murder: Why can’t we just be nice to one another?” His answer? “Because we’re human. We’re neither angels nor devils.” I wound up marrying that guy.
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