by Eric Schenck
The longer you’re in a new country the more it becomes a relationship. It starts out wonderful. You never knew a place could understand you like this. Everything is fun and exciting and “Oh my God just so different!” But then reality sets in. And, with enough time, the things that start out oddly charming begin to irritate you. That’s happened to me twice. I lived in Egypt for three years and Germany for five.
Moving to both countries are the two best decisions I’ve ever made. Bar none. It’s undeniable what they’ve given me. It’s also undeniable that they really pissed me off. Here are ten things about Egypt and Germany, compared side-to-side. Written, of course, with all the love in my heart.
1) The People
Egypt
They never show up on time. That’s clear straight from the beginning.
This isn’t just me being closed-minded as a Westerner. Egyptians admit to their tardiness with glee.
Khamis duh-ay bess.
“Only 5 minutes.”
I will hear this thousands of times the three years I live there. I swear I notice the smile in an Egyptians’ voice every time they say it. I know it’s a lie and so do they.
Egyptians also laugh at everything.
Their insistence that everything is probably just fine will charm me to no end.
Germany
If a German tells you they’re going to do something, they’re going to do it. It’s as simple as that.
Never have I met a nation as unfailingly trustworthy.
They’re also so punctual that it can get slightly creepy.
“Oh, you need help moving apartments at 7:30 AM on a Tuesday six months from now? It’s in my schedule.”
Six months later, you look out your window on a Tuesday morning, and Hans is waiting there at 7:25.
Delightful.
2) The Diet
Egypt
Within a month of moving to Egypt I’ve gained about five pounds.
I’d like to chalk it up to “unhealthy Egyptian food”, but the fruits and vegetables here are the best I’ve ever eaten.
It’s simply a lack of self-control.
Egyptian desserts. Fresh mango juice. And, the true culprit, koshary.
The food in Egypt is delicious. It’s also trying to kill me.
Germany
Bread.
Cheese on bread. Nutella on bread. Vegetables on bread. Bread on bread.
Bread is such an integral part of German culture that I don’t remember if I even liked it before I moved there. It simply became part of me without me knowing how.
I’m the cookie monster, but the German bread version.
And all those carbs?
I stop caring within a week. Every bite of German bread is a taste of the divine.
3) The Socializing
Egypt
The greater Cairo area has over 22 million people.
To say there are people literally everywhere doesn’t quite paint the picture. Egyptians are walking down streets, driving down streets, sitting on streets.
I don’t know how the city fits them all.
All personal space disappears for three years. I constantly have roommates, and anytime I meet up with someone it’s in the company of a hundred other people. Almost regardless of where we are.
Privacy? What privacy?
And then we have what I call the “bro kissing.” In Egyptian culture, men greet each other with a kiss on both cheeks.
I get used to this fairly quickly. What I’ll never understand is the irony that Egyptians can also be quite homophobic.
I keep the observation to myself and smooch away.
Germany
Like so many things, living in Egypt before Germany causes an inevitable comparison.
In Germany there’s almost too much personal space. I never thought I’d miss the awkward bro kissing of Egypt.
Connecting with Germans can feel impossible. They all have their “gang” of friends they’ve known since childhood. Breaking in as a newcomer is almost impossible.
And the party game rules. I can’t count the number of times I have gone to a party with Germans, only to have somebody bust out a long list of rules to some interactive game.
It’s like a scavenger hunt that nobody asked for.
The Germans find it all hilarious.
I just want to get drunk – keep your rules away from me.
4) The Dating
Egypt
Egypt is one awkward Tinder date after another.
Muslim women aren’t allowed to marry Christian men. So many times, an Egyptian girl (slyly, she thinks) asks if I would ever convert.
I’m not religious to begin with, so this in itself isn’t a dealbreaker.
But it’s all weird.
There’s no sex outside of marriage, and grown women have to be home by 8 PM.
One night I hold hands with a girl named Heba while we sit next to the Nile.
“Wow,” she tells me, “this is the first time I’ve ever done this!”
This would be charming if I was 16 years old.
But I’m not. It’s all so restrictive and I just can’t get used to it.
Needless to say, I don’t find my Arab princess.
Germany
I date two Germans seriously during my time there.
One wants me to look into retirement accounts for expats – two weeks after I arrive. The other has the bright idea of scheduling sex for every Thursday at 6 PM.
Predictability.
This is the name of the game when it comes to dating a German woman. Unfortunately, I find it hard to plan anything past dinner that evening.
I thought I had my shit together before Germany.
Romance in the country shows me that I’m actually a hot mess.
5) The Sports
Egypt
There’s national pride in soccer. Egypt is the home of Mohamed Salah, one of the sports’ most famous players.
People sit at outdoor cafes and watch the game on TV’s. There’s a famous rivalry between two teams from Cairo: Zamalak and Ahli, and it’s a pleasure to watch.
Kids play in the streets. If they can’t find a soccer ball, they make one with rolled up clumps of newspaper taped together.
This, really, is the only sport that matters.
Germany
Germans are good at soccer too.
But their national sport is discussing insurance.
It’s a whole thing.
I have heard Germans chat about insuring their house, insuring their bike, insuring their kitchen, insuring their coffee machine, insuring their house plants, even insuring their dog.
(Were they planning on murdering Sparky?)
I think it’s all a joke when I first get there. I laugh at the absurdity.
But my girlfriend’s dad just looks at me and shakes his head.
Frank doesn’t think this is funny at all.
6) The Language
Egypt
I spend three years learning Modern Standard Arabic before I move to Cairo. It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, but doesn’t prepare me (at all) for Egyptian Arabic.
Which is actually quite alright: the Egyptian dialect turns out to be much easier.
I’ve heard people compare Standard Arabic to an unforgiving father who is never impressed with what you do. But Egyptian Arabic?
For me, this new dialect is basically your grandma with the loud laugh that will never let you leave the table without a cookie.
Germany
Gloves are “hand shoes.” Birth control is an “anti-baby-pill.” Anticipation is “before joy.”
An umbrella (which I really need with German weather, but never buy) is a “rain shield.”
The fun goes on. Everybody tells me that the German language will have me pulling my hair out, and that I’ll never get the hang of the grammar.
I just think it’s adorable.
This new language, in comparison to Arabic, is a walk in the park. Within two months of starting from zero, I’m having conversations with my girlfriends’ family.
Still, no matter how fluent I get, I never quite get the hang of German humor.
7) The Humor
Egypt
The ability to laugh at how shit life can be.
This is the essence of Egyptian comedy, and the talent of Egyptians everywhere.
Take the worst possible day you can imagine, the day when everything goes wrong, and an Egyptian will find the humor in it. This becomes frustrating when I want to complain about something.
After enough time, the positivity is intoxicating.
Egypt has problems: the politics, the economy, the lack of upward mobility.
The solution?
Stark realism with a dash of darkness.
In 2016 the International Monetary Fund floats the Egyptian currency. Overnight, the purchasing power of the Egyptian pound is reduced by 200%.
My coworker greets me the next morning with a laugh.
“Looks like I can’t afford a flight anywhere now. No vacation for me!”
He laughs.
He’s completely serious – but it’s still a joke.
Germany
Ahh, yes: the world famous German humor.
It’s there, I promise – you just need to know what you’re looking for.
The best way to show you what I mean is with a story.
In 2019 a woman from Munich knitted a scarf that detailed her train commute. She color coded the entire thing:
- Dark gray = her train was 0-5 minutes late
- Light pink = her train was 5-30 minutes late
- Bright red = her train was 30+ minutes late
She knitted a row for each train trip, with two rows equivalent to one day of commuting.
To me this is the perfect example of the under-appreciated German sense of humor: a bit tedious, and perhaps even petty, but smart and creative in its own way.
Germans are funny, sure.
Just takes a bit of explaining.
8) The Transport
Egypt
I’ve never taken public transportation before I arrive in Egypt.
I’ve always had a car and grew up in a small town; I simply never needed to.
Egypt changes this. Metros and taxis become a part of my daily routine.
And buses?
For some reason I still can’t explain, every minibus driver seems to be on drugs. They drive as fast as they possibly can, dodging grandmas walking across the street and angry pedestrians shaking their fists.
Riding minibuses are some of my most exciting moments over three years in Egypt.
And for the equivalent of ten cents, they take me anywhere I want to go.
Germany
I fall in love with trains.
Germans complain about the Deutsche Bahn public transportation system (and even knit scarves about it), but I realize what a miracle it is.
You can get just about anywhere in the country with a few train rides. They even have an app that tells you exactly what you need to do each step of the way.
It helps that Germany is absolutely gorgeous. Mountains and forests and even castles every time you look out the window.
As an American, Germany makes me feel like I’m in a fantasy land.
Trains are my dragons that help me explore it.
9) The Oddities
Egypt
Men have marks on their foreheads. I’m told it’s because they pray so much.
People take pictures of me. And with me. Being white in specific Cairo neighborhoods apparently makes you a celebrity.
There is shisha smoke just about everywhere. It adds a fruity layer to one of the world’s dustiest cities.
Everything is loud, and life is a constant battle not to be overcharged.
I start out in Egypt completely out of my comfort zone. I settle in and start to love it, only to end my time ready to get the fuck out of there.
Germany
In many ways, Germany is endearing. But it quickly starts to feel like I got sucked into that Pleasantville movie.
It’s quiet.
There are rules for everything.
Everywhere you look, you see parents biking around the city with their kids on the back.
Germany starts relaxing, continues to be relaxing, and ends relaxing. Too much relaxing – I slowly turn into a tube of mayonnaise and (also) end my time ready to get the fuck out of there.
10) The Important Thing
Egypt
Religion. Without a doubt.
Religious belief is the most important thing in Egypt and bleeds into everything.
People point to the sky when they want to make a point. Calls to prayer sound out five times a day. You see people reading mini pocket Korans everywhere you look.
I’m certainly not in Kansas (or, well, California) anymore.
It’s easy to sit on my atheistic high horse when I first get there, but somehow, in some way, Egypt makes me more….something.
Religious?
Probably not.
But some kind of spiritual?
Maybe.
Religion in Egypt brings so much joy to people that have nothing. Who am I to judge it?
Germany
Stability.
A solid after-tax salary in Germany is just a few thousands euros a month. Pair that with 30 vacation days and a system with all kinds of benefits, and you’re gravy.
If you want a comfortable life and a bit of security, Germany is the place to be.
But if you dream big and want to build something? If you’d rather take a gamble on yourself?
Maybe not.
*
The list goes on.
It’s important to remember how inherently limited experience can be.
I only ever lived in one of 16 German states. Cairo was the only Egyptian city I called home.
Still, you start to see patterns.
Egypt is not the place to wave your freak flag. Germany is not the place to break rules.
But here’s the most important point I want to make:
I’ve realized the more you make fun of somebody, the more you probably love them.
That’s Egypt and Germany to me.
I will bitch and moan about all these stereotypes the rest of my life, but in a very real way, I love them both.
Did I ever truly fit into either one? Not really. But does that matter?
Not at all.
I’d be a fool not to express my deepest gratitude to both countries, and to thank them both for everything they’ve given me.
So I guess that’s what I’ll do-
Egypt, you’re hectic and dirty and I’m still afraid to drink your water, but you and your people are absolutely lovely.
Germany, you’re a bit square and sometimes have a stick up your ass, but your culture is something I will always appreciate.
With all your talk about God and insurance, you both drive me crazy, but at this point, I couldn’t live without you.
But hey-
That’s love, right?
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