My Cousin Daryl Pens a Paean to Lauren Boebert

by Joan Harvey 

Still from Rural Colorado United video

I always knew that we couldn’t Make America Great Again without Sarah Palin. So when she retreated to Alaska to be with John Galt and all the others who shrugged because they were tired of holding up the Lib-tards and their socialist laziness, I figured we were on the path to becoming Venezuela. Sure, Donald Trump, the greatest president since Abe Lincoln and probably tied with George Washington for second, was in office, but he couldn’t do it alone. This country has so many Lib-tards and blue-state welfare queens that without someone like Sarah Palin, our country was due for collapse.

So I took things into my own hands. Have you read The Secret? You have to read it! It’s about using the energy of the universe to get what you really, truly, deeply want to make your life AWESOME! The book says to make a vision board with some magazines and glitter and rubber cement, because the universe needs pictures to help it know what you want. Well, I knew I couldn’t make a vision board (you know I don’t mess with that girly shit) so I got my old lady Darla to make one. Right in the middle of that vision board, Darla pasted Sarah Palin. And then she surrounded her with the other Palins: Todd, and Trig, and Track, and Sailor, and Bristol, and Plumber. And then we pasted on the text of the Second Amendment, and pictures of some friends totally armed to protect ourselves from Antifa and BLM. Guys that could keep America Great and Free! And we waited, and we prayed, and we let ourselves be open to the universe.

And that’s when Lauren Boebert walked into our life as if she had walked right off our vision board!

When I first saw her I thought maybe God or someone was playing a trick on me. Because Lauren Boebert LOOKS like Sarah Palin. They’re both HOT!! Are you kidding me? All that luscious hair, those HOT curves, that face—everything about those women is just sexy but in a way where they can come to Thanksgiving with Mom. I don’t know about you but when a girl wears a 9mm Glock on her thigh along with really intellectual glasses—it’s almost too much! Don’t get me wrong, my wife and her true white Christian gal friends love her too, especially when she puts on a cute prairie dress and pearls. Darla says she thinks that Glock is a truly elegant accessory, and she’s after me to buy her one too. She thinks it’s a shame Lauren’s modeling career never took off; all those beauty contests are run by DemoRats (LOL, get it?), and, sorry to say, they discriminate against God-fearing Republicans with short legs. And they’re only into the ethnic-looking girls; gross discrimination, right? But my old lady recognizes Lauren’s inner beauty, which is pure and fits all our country life ideals.

Sarah Palin and Lauren Boebert aren’t only hot, they’re both smart as hell, even if Lauren doesn’t yet have Sarah’s gift of speaking in tongues. When Lauren finished her education, she was in the top 20 percent of her middle school class. She could have easily completed high school but at some point it’s like, what’s the purpose of all this book learning? We know she’s smart because she even got her GED in 2020. Of course she had to tell a little fib about getting it years ago because those nasty elitist DemoRats would just tear into her otherwise. Anyway, at first I was too distracted by her hot librarian looks to even notice her smarts or that her values matched mine. But she’s a fast learner—why, she’s already learned sedition, which is just the most patriotic thing and will protect our great country, right from the get-go.

You can’t exactly see Russia from where Lauren lives in Rifle, Colorado, but she’s still surrounded by a lot of RED communists. Can you imagine living just a few hours from Boulder and Denver and still trying to raise your kids right? That right there is a non-starter. You need bedrock conservative Second Amendment values to do that, which is why Lauren doesn’t go anywhere without her firearm. She started a really good restaurant called Shooters (Hooters but with an S on the front!!) where all her waitresses also carry firearms. Add it up: a girl packing a sidearm in a restaurant named Shooters in a town named Rifle! And who looks like Sarah Palin. That’s the universe talking! Like I said, you have to read The Secret!!!

Sure, she declared a $242,347 loss at her restaurant in 2018, but that’s normal for a restaurant, and I don’t know why she had eight tax liens against her except they must really hate her in this Dem-run Socialist state. The Fake News media also had a fit because they said 80 people got food poisoning at a rodeo from her food stand where she was serving pork sliders. Come on, everybody gets bloody diarrhea at a rodeo. Especially those guys riding the bulls, LOL. Anyhow, 80 people hardly counts for what Dem Communists called a “mass food poisoning incident.” What does it matter if your smokehouse doesn’t have a place to keep pork either cold or hot; that whole business about temperature is a Socialist plot to take away our Freedoms. And hand-washing, how stupid, everyone knows that hand-washing is just another ploy the Dem Communists use to get our hands off our guns. Yeah, okay, 100% of the people who got the bloody diarrhea said they got it from her pork sliders, but what a bunch of crybaby snowflakes!!!

When Lauren was running for office, the Lib-tards tried to ruin her reputation with a totally made-up rap sheet. They said she resisted arrest a number of times. Fake news again! Hey, she only broke laws that were meant to be broken. And since the laws she broke were silly to begin with, little things like not paying her mortgage, careless driving, disorderly conduct, why would she bother to show up at her court hearings? It’s all so silly and petty. I’m just glad the Garfield County sheriff is on her side. And how would you go about breaking laws in Congress if you didn’t have a lot of practice breaking them before? All those itty bitty crimes were a good warm up for Congress where she’s already been charged multiple times by the FEC for not disclosing money she received. Even though she’s a freshman Congresswoman, she’s right up there with the best of ‘em getting away with stuff. We on the Western Slope are just so damned proud!

They say her husband exposed his penis to a couple of minor girls. More fake news! How do you define minor? Pretty soon anyone under 30 will be called a minor just so those New York lawyers in their gay loafers have something to do. So maybe he did show his penis to a 16-year-old, but it was in the presence of Lauren (his wife, hello!!) so how is that a crime? It’s nothing like the pedophile rings the Dems run out of that pizza place and pretty much everywhere in the world. As far as I know, all those libs are pedophiles. It’s not like when Christian women wanted their young girls to date that good Roy Moore. The DemoRat pedophilia is a whole other ordure. Anyway, in her husband’s case there was a complete shortage of evidence to convict him of anything.

And about that domestic violence charge he had, my old lady says, “Hey, don’t worry about that, all our husbands have those, LOL. A badge of honor, sister!”

Lauren won election in Colorado’s Third District against a socialist with a Ph.D. Lauren’s platform, which was FREEDOM, sealed the deal. The socialist (who wasn’t nearly as hot) convoluted her own platform with climate change, education, trans-basin water diversions, health care, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She put all those things on her website to distract voters from her main agenda, which was to take all your guns and kill babies. The good people of Colorado’s Third District weighed those two platforms carefully and chose FREEDOM!

Of course you’d have to have a pretty low iQ to think that the socialist parasites could just continue to bring down America so Quickly and Quietly! It’s pretty obvious that they’ve all been microchipped by Bill Gates to think and act like sheep and believe everything that George Soros says as he builds his authoritarian internationalist government based on bitcoin technology with Hillary Clinton at the Washington pizza restaurant along with the rest of the baby killers and satanic worshippers.

Lauren’s first few days in office have been nothing short of magnificent. She started out her term by making a video of herself packing her Glock and walking out onto the streets of Washington, DC, where carrying a firearm is still illegal (Second Amendment, hello?). She boldly stated that the government wasn’t going to prevent her from enjoying her rights protected under the Second Amendment (hello!). It’s an incredible video and she looks so good walking around that liberal city with a pistol on her thigh. It’s like Clint Eastwood but in a girl’s body and a prettier face.

Then she made a great speech on the House floor on January 6th challenging all the fraud in the 2020 election. As the PATRIOTS were gathering outside the capitol building she said, “Madam Speaker, I have constituents outside this building right now. I promised my voters to be their voice.” Even though it was her first speech in Congress, she looked so congressional! She had on pearls, and a really business looking dress, and those intellectual glasses. I just plain got the chills.

Then when the resurrection started and all the PATRIOTS entered the building, Lauren tweeted from the House chamber the location of Nancy Pelosi to help the PATRIOTS find easily the single biggest threat to our nation. Right from the beginning she was serving her constituents, even those who weren’t from Colorado.

After the resurrection ended and the Capitol was safe again, Lauren quickly denounced the mob and the violence they brought. She thanked the Capitol police for protecting her from the PATRIOTS who had stormed the building in search of the vile Nancy Pelosi. She later tweeted that she regretted not having a firearm to defend herself from the PATRIOTS raiding the building to claim FREEDOM. We know that even though she encouraged those boys invading the DemoRat-run Capitol, that now they’ve all turned out to be Antifa. I don’t quite know what that means, but its some kind of terrorist organization and they must all be locked up and hanged. At the time, though, they disguised themselves as the kind of Freedom Fighters you and I love. Only in retrospect do we realize that knowing they were Antifa makes it even more heroic, somehow, that Lauren believed she was doing her duty for our Freedoms. I know that doesn’t necessarily make a lot of sense when you read it, but that’s because you weren’t there. If you were there it made total sense!

Darla and I just can’t tell you how excited we are that such a strong symbol of PATRIOTISM and good Christian motherhood is OUR Representative!!! To celebrate we’re going to strap on our guns and Darla’s going to strap on little Bobby’s gun and little Billie’s gun and little Cindy’s gun and we’re all going to head to Shooters for some of those delicious pork sliders they still serve. A little diarrhea never hurt anyone, except a bunch of communist snowflakes who shouldn’t be allowed in this great country anyhow. And masks? So unAmerican. Of course Lauren would never want us to have to give up our FREEDOM and cover our faces for another DemoRat hoax.

My life is awesome now and I’ve never been prouder to be an American! Who would have known that little old Rifle, Colorado could produce such a great leader? Who would have known we’d ever have another Sarah Palin but better? Are we even worthy? I don’t know what’s ahead for Lauren Boebert but it’s going to be huge! Especially, Darla reminds me, if we ALL work really hard on our vision boards this year. But keep it a SECRET ha ha!



With many thanks to (4ChAn)n Harvey and M-Anon.


Rep. Boebert violated police orders to stay off social media during insurrection at Capitol