Ali Davis in Bitter Empire:
14. Ted Cruz
Let’s be clear here: Ted Cruz is not just the worst presidential candidate to have on your side in a bar fight. He is the worst possible human being to have on your side in a bar fight. And it’s not only because when he speaks he sounds like Eddie Murphy doing his nerd character. It’s that everyone hates Ted Cruz, and they hate him for a reason. Not just Democrats, everyone. Ted Cruz is famously and vigorously loathed by everyone in his own party. Fellow Republican Bob Dole has been out of politics for like 20 years and even he takes the time to hate Ted Cruz.
That is because Ted Cruz is on nobody’s side in any fight but that of Ted Cruz, and he’s more than happy to tank the side he’s supposed to be on if it will win him even the tiniest personal gain. Elderly moneyed relatives of Cruz must get distinctly jumpy when he comes to visit.
This isn’t just a warning about having Cruz on your side in a bar fight; don’t even enter the same bar as Cruz. As Cruz’s government shutdown stunt illustrates, he’s the guy who will goad, insult, and posture until you’re suddenly in a brawl you never wanted or needed to have. Once the fists start flying, he scoops the tips off the tables and weasels out the back.
Do not have Ted Cruz on your side in a bar fight.