Things I’ve Learned About Heterosexual Female Desire From Decades Of Reading

Mallory Ortberg in The Toast:

  • ScreenHunter_1140 Apr. 16 13.45A woman can forgive a man for anything, except for having freckles or a weak chin
  • 100% of women want to have sex with a man who embodies the fox version of Robin Hood from the cartoon Robin Hood, but most do not actually want to have sex with a fox or a man dressed as one
  • It’s not enough to have a lot of hair falling in your eyes; men must be constantly tugging at their own hair in exasperation or at the very least running their hands through it as they think carefully about art or something
  • Men should have a TON of money but not care about it for even a SECOND, he should literally forget he even has money, he should whisk you away on a helicopter and then when you try to tip the pilot in cash he’s like “what are those weird little flat green dudes in your wallet?” because he doesn’t care about money at all even though he has so much of it

More here.