Super Tuesday Surprise: Leading Minsk Newspaper Endorses Candidates in US Presidential Race

Justin E. H. Smith

Lukasenko_alexanderxIn what spokespeople for both parties are calling an act of “unprecedented interference,” a strongly pro-government newspaper in the authoritarian republic of Belarus has offered its own endorsements in the US presidential primaries.  Analysts contend that this operation was likely directed by president Aleksandr Lukashenko himself, and was meant to serve as a critical response to the international community’s past efforts to monitor elections in Belarus.  The US government and the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe strongly denounced as illegitimate the 2006 Belarus elections, in which Lukashenko received more than 80% of the vote and opposition parties were not permitted to campaign.  As of press time, the Belarus embassy in Washington has refused to offer any comment on the endorsements. 


From Belaruskija Naviny (translated by the Belarus Information Agency):

Minsk (BIA) 1 February, 2008– In America, there are not strong leaders like Aleksandr Grigorevich Lukashenko, who come into power, and stay in the power.  The only president in American history to have held on his power more than two terms was Franklin Roosevelt.  And he was cripple!  He stayed long because of war-time situation, not strength.

But every four years, the parties make their best effort.  This year, because of failed war in Iraq and weak leadership of George W. Bush, the American people are going in for politics like never before in their history.  Participation in the political life of the country is up 32% from its historic low in 2004. This upswing is most notable among the young-people of America, many of whom have at long last removed their walkman headphones to “tune in” to their nation’s future. 

What choices are the Republican and Democratic parties offering them?

At this present, the Republican (“Grand Old”) Party has three candidates in competition: the Christian retail-store magnate and “healthy life-style” advocate Mike Huckabee, whose business practices were subjected to critique already in American independent cinema production “I Heart Huckabee” (2005); Mitt Romney, governor of State Utah and elder of Mormon church, which until Lukashenko’s bold measure against foreign missionary-activity was responsible for the common sight on the streets of Grodno and Brest and Vitebsk of clean and polite young Americans, speaking Belarusian like mother tongue, and promoting their heretical sect to our villagers like we were pagan Indians; and finally, John McCain, senator of City Phoenix and number-one opponent of current president George W. Bush within Republican party.

The Democrats have now only two candidates who stand to chance against this powerful phalanx: Barack Obama, senator of City Chicago and nephew of Saddam Hussein; and Hillary Rodham Clinton, organizer of popular solidarity-building women’s breakfasts for discussion of hair-hygiene and of place of woman in American politics, and only official wife of number-one enemy of Serbs and all Slavic peoples, Bill Clinton. 

Let us have a look at the Democratic candidates first.

Even in Soviet times we had saying: “The Woman: it is also Person!”  In Belarus, we have many women in political offices.  For example, Nadezhda Kholstyak is undersecretary of Dairy and Eggs, and Academician Elena Ostrovskaya is ad hoc advisor for the problems relating to Chernobyl Incident.  In Belarus, we are not afraid of a woman in place of power.  Now Hillary Clinton had eight years already in White House.  During that time, she set herself one goal: the creation of new polyclinics throughout America, for the promotion of health and hygiene, from Poultry Processing Plant “John Tyson” in State Missouri to High Technology Cybernetics Park “Bill Gates” in State Washington, to public high school “Martin Luther King” in City Oakland.  But how many polyclinics emerged from her time in the White House? There are no more polyclinics in America now than during Great Depression. Instead Clinton left America with the “health’s management organizations,” with queues of length we have not seen in Belarus since Great War for Fatherland, and costs that are sure to make any patient “sick.” Americans should be asking to Candidate Clinton: where are the polyclinics?  Where can I go for antibiotics or a mustard plaster when I fall ill?  Where can I go to pasteurize my children?   

It is known that Barack Obama hoped to “jump-start” his campaign through “community services” in Chicago.  But what sort of services did he provide?  Did he promote physical culture to Chicagoans?  Did sport, leisure, and tourism receive a boost from his bold efforts?  Do more Chicagoans go in for patriotic games now than before?  The answer is a three-times “no.”  Yet it cannot be denied that Americans have enthusiastically embraced Barack Obama’s color.  As a result of Candidate Obama’s bold hue, white Americans are now going in for black Americans at unprecedented levels.  Racial good-will is up 56% since its historic low in 1813, and if Obama is elected president we can count on seeing many Centres for the Friendship of the Peoples “Barack Obama” in future.  These are something we would surely like to see, and for this reason we endorse Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination.

What about the Republican candidates?  What bold initiatives do they go in for? 

As business tycoon, Mike Huckabee has actively promoted physical culture in State Arkansas.  He has personally created 17 Centres of Physical Culture “Mike Huckabee”, and has motivated the youth of State Arkansas to go in for sport with unprecedented vigor.  It is now estimated that as a result of his effort, 68% of Arkansans are engaged in physical culture in some way.  He is also author of dietetic book with title, Stop to Dig Your Grave with the Knife and the Fork!.  (By the by, Huckabee himself is said to have lost over 50 kilos on his own diet plan.) Now we Belarusians go in for physical culture with great vigor, as our world-class performance in Olympic Games and in European football competition shows.  The members of the national sport teams are the pride of the country.  But we have saying: “Who makes sport, he has ‘Olympic-sized’ appetite.”  What about Huckabee?  Would he not eat a pig’s foot in aspic after making daily sport routine?  Would he not spread goose fat on his craquelins, not even “on a lark”?  How would his healthy regime go over, we wonder, at a state dinner with President Lukashenko? 

In the spite of the fact that he is Mormon, Mitt Romney has taken firm stance against polygamy and dianetical therapy.  To Romney’s credits, he is Mormon of the future: in his State, teaching of Belarusian tongue is up 34% since its historic low in 1960, and monogamy has also risen to historic levels. Under Mitt Romney’s presidency, America would witness bold initiative for creation of Palaces of Marriage Between One Man and One Woman “Mitt Romney”. Now in Belarus, we are in vanguard of religious pluralism, with many Christian sects, some Muslim descendants of the Lipka Tatars, and even some Jews!  But we would not elect president who believes preposterous things, like that angels dictated book of Mormon to Joseph Smith in motel in State New York and that God has personally blessed University “Brigham Young” with top-ranking scientists and academicians.

John McCain is gray eminence of this campaign and is also highly decorative war hero.  As POW he was kept in box by cruel torturers for five years.  Some say he is “Manchurian Candidate,” but little do they know he was soldier in Viet-Nam.  We are sure that he learned important lessons while prisoner of Viet Cong, and that he is now ready to boldly take the initiatives required to be great president of America.  We thus strongly endorse John McCain for the Republican nomination. 

For an extensive archive of Justin Smith’s writing, please visit