stations of the Mel


Mel Is Condemned by the Press. Mel is pulled over by a centurion for driving his chariot at great speed, and accused of having a blood-alcohol level exceeding that mandated by Tiberius. “Arrest me not,” he telleth the centurion, “for I owneth Malibu. And thou lookest a bit Jewish unto me.” Sayeth the centurion, “Tell it to the procurator.”

Mel Is Fingerprinted and Has His Mug Shot Taken. Mel calleth his lawyers, agents, and celebrity crisis managers and sayeth unto them, “I have opened my mouth and stirred up the Jews.” His lawyers, agents, and crisis managers sayeth, “Yet we are Jews.” Mel sayeth, “Thou didst not look Jewish when I was besotted with drink. Even so, gettest me out of this place of desolation.” . . .

Mel Rises from the Grave. Mel emergeth from Rehab and proclaimeth that his best friends are Jews, yet he addeth, “I met none in Rehab, for they hath not time to drink, being busy in the starting of wars.” His spokesperson proclaimeth, “Oy,” and fainteth.

more from The New Yorker here.