Part one, Short Takes, can be seen here.
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You can recognize the people who live for others by the haunted look on the faces of the others.
—Katherine Whithorn
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Waiter to a table of Jewish Women: Is anything all right?
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Atheist’s notation in the Bible: If true, then important
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To err is human, to forgive supine
—S. J. Perelman
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She was one of those people who are above self-reproach
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The Martin Borman defense—I was only giving orders.
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A rabbi was asked by men conscripted into the Russian army whether they could eat pork if it was the only meat available. He replied, “If that is the only way to live then you may eat pork. But don’t suck on the bones.”
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Oscar Wilde telegram: Cannot attend party. Lie follows
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Only the shallow know themselves.
—Oscar Wilde
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Socratic Dialogue:
Socrates. So you agree that the whole is greater than any of its parts.
A. Most assuredly, Socrates
Socrates. But you will recall that earlier we showed that the part is greater than the whole.
A. Nothing could be clearer.
Socrates. Then philosophers must rule the state.
A. There can be no other conclusion
—Jerry Cohen
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[A conservative] is a statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
—Ambrose Bierce
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The Principle of the Wedge is that you should not act justly now for fear of raising expectations that you may act still more justly in the future–expectations which you are afraid you will not have the courage to satisfy…The Principle of the Dangerous Precedent is that you should not now do an admittedly right action for fear you, or your equally timid successors, should not have the courage to do right in some future case , which ex hypothesi, is essentially different , but superficially resembles the present one…It follows that nothing should be done for the first time.
—F.M.Cornford
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The difference between the therapist and the rapist is a matter of distance
—Nabokov
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How many moral philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Eight. One to change it and seven to hold everything else equal.
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Q. Please explain the correct usage of the phrase “all things being equal.”
A. It is used to make sentences longer.
Wrong: Earl and myself prefer the Cheez Whiz.
Right: All things being equal, Earl and myself prefer the Cheez Whiz.
—Dave Barry
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A farmer was advised that the efficiency of his horse could be improved by castrating it by clapping two bricks together around the genitals. When he asked: “Doesn’t that hurt?” he was told, “Not if you don’t get your thumbs in the way.
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A Jew is rescued after 10 years on a desert island. His rescuers observe that he has built two synagogues, and ask why. He points to the first and says “This one I pray in; that one I wouldn’t go near.”
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[When asked if her conscience bothered her] My conscience amuses me.
When choosing between two evils, I tryto choose the one I have never tried before.
She may be good for nothing, but she’s not bad for nothing.
—Mae West
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Conscience: Faults alarm.
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Comparative Law: In England everything that is not forbidden is permitted. In Germany, everything that is not permitted is forbidden. In China everything is forbidden including what is permitted. In the US everything is permitted particularly what is forbidden.
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A man driving in Vermont comes to a fork in the road with two signs to White River Junction. He asks a farmer standing there if “it makes any difference which road I take.” The farmer replies: “Not to me it doesn’t.”
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An ad stated: Wanted, young man to teach Romance Languages, no Jews need apply. Into the employment office walked an old Jewish man, carrying crumpled in his hand, the advertisement. “How old are you?” “65”. “Can you speak French?” “No” “Italian?” “No”
“Then what are you doing here?” “I just want you to know. On me you shouldn’t count.
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I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I could repeat them exactly.
—Peter Cook
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Moral Philosopher: How would you characterize irrational behavior?
Economist: When someone acts counter to their preferences?
Moral Philosopher: Oh, that’s what we call virtue.
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If you’ve never seen neurotics play softball, it’s pretty funny. I used to steal second base, then feel guilty and go back.
—Woody Allen
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred dollars , how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
—Emo Phillip
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I’d rather commit adultery than tell a lie.
—attributed to Montaigne by Harold Nicolson
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If one settles accounts with oneself, forgiveness is self-deception.
—Victor Klemperer
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Monty Python sketch:
A banker is asked to contribute a pound to the orphans. When assured that this is neither a tax dodge nor a loan he responds: “I don’t follow this at all. I mean, I don’t want to seem stupid but it looks to me as though I’m a pound down on the whole deal.”
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Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling: Well, I’d like to say I believed in God, of course, but I’m afraid that, as a thinking person … there are two very good reasons why I simply can’t. … A — Wasps. Can’t see the point of a wasp, can you? And B — caviar. I mean really, what is the point of having caviar locked away inside sturgeon? So inaccessible. I’m sure if there were a real God he’d have arranged for caviar to just sort of toddle over to your house on a pair of little legs in a self-opening jar.
—Peter Cook
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You come to the fork in the road and then you take it.
—Yogi Berra
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It takes two to lie, Marge, one to lie and one to listen.
—Homer Simpson
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H.L.A Hart invited to the Hebrew University to give a talk on Jurisprudence was amazed to see a large auditorium completely filled. He later discovered that the talk had been billed as one on Jewish Prudence.
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He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
—Winston Churchill of Stafford Cripps
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There are two kinds of humor: the kind that makes us chuckle about our foibles and our shared humanity, the other kind holds people up to public contempt and ridicule. That’s what I do.
—Molly Ivins
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Many attempt without success to make up for their lack of talent with defects of character.
—Alfred Polgar
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Man in restaurant to waiter: How do you prepare your chickens? Waiter: Nothing special. We just tell them they’re going to die.
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I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I could repeat them exactly.
—Peter Cook