By Evert Cilliers aka Adam Ash 
When two snails want to get it on, they caress each other with those stalks sticking out of their heads.
Then, they act.
Each snail drives, deep into the other, an inch-long dart. If a dart pierces a lung, brain, heart – death. Fatal foreplay.
But let’s assume they survive. What do they do?
First they draw apart, terribly wounded.
But also, terribly excited.
So they draw together again. And out of each snail’s head grows a penis.
Yeah, each snail has a penis.
The penises grow as long as the snails themselves.
Yup, proportionately the lowly snail has the biggest dick of them all.
Now they slip their giant organs into each other’s vaginas.
Yup, each snail has a vagina.
The giant vaginas suck on the giant penises until they ejaculate.
Then the two snails drop away from each other.
Deeply wounded, they lie quietly for a long time, stunned by what’s happened. Eventually they crawl off in opposite directions.
The sex life of the snail tells us: the intensity of love can only be measured by the depth of its damage. Existence is most keenly felt when it’s most endangered.
What excites the snail to screw? A stimulation so great, it threatens the snail’s life.
This makes the snail the most romantic figure alive.
Pain, death, sex: the snail is an exemplary creature.
Eat it in awe.